Nintendo Announces Switch Thiccc

In anticipation of Nintendo Direct getting canceled, the company surprised everyone this week with the announcement of their newest console, a far sexier device than anyone anticipated.

Rumors of a new Switch have been circulating for months, but no one predicted the pent-up sexual frustration that Nintendo’s hardware team would be dealing with while designing in quarantine. That horniness, unchecked and unchallenged, has led to the most exciting console announcement in years: the Nintendo Switch Thiccc.

Praised for its ingenuity with home and portable play, the original Switch has deservedly been one of the best-selling consoles of all time. The major drawbacks, however, have been graphical power and storage. All that is set to change with the Switch Thiccc. The obvious reason the OG Switch can’t perform as well as the Playstation 4 and Xbox One is size - it’s simply too small for reasonable storage capacity and investor-arousing teraflops. With their new console, Nintendo is promising the power, graphical output, and ability to install more than 2 ½ games, all in a dummy thiccc package that’s still easy to carry around.

Pre-orders for the Switch Thiccc will begin in August for the regular edition and September for the Dem Cheeks edition which will be released closer to the holidays. The latter has extra storage and comes with a copy of every picture Nintendo President, Shuntaro Furukawa, has ever posted to his DeviantArt page.

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