Microsoft Dazzles Fans With Cutscene-Only Conference

In a shockingly bold move already heralded as the most refreshing conference in years, Microsoft opted to forgo gameplay footage during their presentation and show only EDM-filled cutscenes.

With patience that only true fans could muster, attendees remained in their seats until head of Xbox, Phil Spencer, finally showed up 43 minutes after the conference was supposed to start. Clearly already drunk, Spencer began the show rambling incoherently about cross-play and “the cucks over at Sony” who refuse to team up for future projects. After a brief fall that required a pause in the show for medical attention, he waddled off stage holding his head while some trailers started playing.

Over the next three hours attendees and stream-watchers alike were treated to a variety cutscenes for upcoming games that will ultimately look nothing even remotely close to what was shown. Between the deafening sounds of oohs and aahs from the crowd Spencer could be heard backstage, mic still plugged in, screaming about how well the show was going and demanding more drinks. As the final trailer - replete with empty promises - faded away, Spencer was wheeled back onto the stage by an intern, too drunk to continue the presentation on his feet.

“Wha chid djoo guys think abou the lil’ moofees?” he shrieked, almost falling out of his chair while waving his arm towards the presentation monitor. “I dun think any of tha is gun be in the gams,” he giggled, leaning closer to the audience, “buh I dun think I’m sposed to tell that.” Spencer’s mic was cut at that point as the intern returned to wheel him away and Larry Hryb came out to take over.

“Sorry about that,” Hryb laughed. “His ex-wife’s name is Scarlett so he’s been having a hard time with news about our next Xbox.” One woo from the crowd rang out. “Anway,” he continued, “thank you all for coming and we hope you enjoyed seeing all these meaningless trailers! If you’re lucky enough to be here in person be sure to stop by the Xbox booths to get a closer look at all these upcoming games. There won’t be any gameplay footage of course - just a physically closer look at the exact same cutscenes you just watched. Thanks again!”

No boring gameplay demos or footage of how the games will actually look. As usual, a quality E3 presentation from Microsoft.

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