You thought you were safe outside of your video games, but the reality is that Nolan North is everywhere, voicing everyone, even the people you love the most.
Scream. Fall to your knees and cast your terror and confusion audibly into sky. Question all that you’ve ever known and realize your thoughts, too, are voiced by Nolan North. Nowhere is safe, but these are the best places to vent your anguish:
1) A Concert
What will at first seem like a great idea will quickly lead to more terror as you realize that the speakers you’re standing next to to drown out your screams are blasting the dulcet tones of Nolan North voicing every member of the band.
2) Into Your Favorite Pillow
An oldie but a goodie, reminiscent of those high school days when you’d say something painfully embarrassing to your crush and spend the night flailing your limbs and shrieking into your fluffy, sleepytime head prop, coating it with drool and regret. Those memories of youth are darker than they initially seem as you slowly realize between gasps for air that your crush was voiced by British Academy of Film and Television Arts special award recipient, Nolan North.
3) The Local Park
Process your confusion of this new reality by inflicting your trauma onto others who feel they deserve peace even though they’re eating and exercising in a public space. As your first scream dies out and you pause to inhale for the next, note the drone of conversation and laughter from passersby - all of whom are Nolan North.
4) Anywhere Near A Group Of College Bros
If you’re looking for somewhere you won’t be disruptive, look no further than to your local group of douche bros out on the prowl. So aggravated already are the other people in the area from listening to the cacophony of bro “ooooooooooh!”s every few seconds that your anguished cries will serve as a welcome distraction. Don’t be surprised when you recognize the bro chants to be not a rallying cry for their impending night of sexual assault, but rather the clamor of numerous Nolan North’s.
5) Chuck E. Cheese's
An obvious choice, but it simply can’t be overstated how unnoticed you will be screaming in agony in a plastic tube while dozens of children shriek in the germ-ridden ball pit cesspool below, ignored by their parents who have long ago learned how to block out their cries. You’ll feel safe until you realize the animatronic band - which was already its own form of nightmare fuel - is led by a singer with the vocal stylings of Nolan North.
6) Next To The Boy Mowing The White House Lawn
Make sure that kid stays startled and see if you can reach a decibel level above his lawnmower. What’s that? He’s turned off his lawnmower to ask why you’re yelling, but, that voice...IT’S NOLAN FUCKING NORTH!
7) During A Job Interview For A Supreme Court SeaT*
Turns out you can straight up throw a temper tantrum during your televised interview with sitting senators, so screaming and banging your head on the desk should get a pass as well. The question is which picture will they use for articles about your meltdown when you realize you’re being interrogated by a swath of Nolan Norths across the political spectrum?
What better to scream into than the gaping maw of the unknown? Prepare yourself, though, for not only when The Abyss gazes into thee, but when it speaks in - you guessed it - the voice of Nolan Goddamned North. Cast yourself into oblivion and end this torment of repetitive but unquestionably-excellent voice-acting. “Curse you, Nolan North!” you shout as you plunge into the perpetual darkness. “Curse you and your charming sarcasm!”
*This will only work if you’re a man.
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