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Not Recommended: Cautionary Tales as Told by Steam Reviewers with Hundreds of Hours on Record

August 1, 2018

 

Shall I compare thee to a AAA title? Thou art more glitchy and more finicky. Rough patches do shake the desperate want of fixes, and early releases have all too broken a promise.

 

They say not all heroes wear capes, and nowhere is that adage more appropriate than in the world of Steam reviews. Each and every day these paragons of critique bestow upon us the gift of justified dissuasion based on their hundreds and hundreds of hours played. Skeptical? Shame on you, saucy knave. Take a gander at these insightful jabs:

 

“This game was amazing for five years until the developer released an update that changed a character model, negating the half a decade of fun I had.”

 

“I haven't actually played this, but it looks terrible.”

 

“I know it's early access, but why is there stuff that doesn't work? How come some textures don't load? Where's the rest of the campaign?”

 

“Even though the game is perfect, I have to suggest you pass because the multiplayer community is vitriolic and for some reason I've decided to blame the developers.”

 

“My computer is only seven years old and the game keeps crashing. Terrible use of Unreal Engine 4. I want a refund.”

 

“Pros – easy to learn controls

    fun, simple story

       familiar characters

Cons – derivative”                 

 

“I haven't actually played this, but everything this developer makes is garbage.”

 

Bet you feel silly now, you dirty doubter. The lack of praise these virtuous reviewers receive for their work is nothing short of a scandal. How painful must it be to slog through these games they obviously despise, as evidenced by the excessive time spent playing. We owe them endless gratitude for steering us away from quality titles which they've so reasonably shunned.

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