With no way to stop all the leaks leading up to the event every year, E3 showrunners have decided to scrap game presentations entirely and focus exclusively on live music.
“If everyone knows what's coming, why bother putting all the effort in?” sighs E3 Commissioner of Surprise Metrics, Darlene Glather. “Instead of wallowing, we're looking up, looking forward, figuring out what we can do to keep people engaged and excited. We think we've got the solution and that's five straight days of musicians unhappy to be here playing songs you don't care about.”
The news has already begun to excite fans of the event. “My favorite part of these shows, lately, has been the musical guests blowing out the speakers so the live streams are a mess of garbled audio,” says Jacob Somner. “The trailers I've already seen, so I stop watching when those come on.”
“I would be happy if there was just Just Dance,” giggles Taylor Munch. “See what I did there? No, but for real, the costumes and choreography are spectacular and everything I live for during the first two weeks of June. Please get me in touch with someone at Ubisoft so I can beg for more. Who even cares about games?”