I Swam All the Way to the Bottom in Subnautica and the GOP Still Sank Lower



At this point I shouldn't be surprised by how low Republicans are willing to sink, but there's too much lava down there for me, personally.

Like the dwarfs of Moria they dig deep, undeterred by the dangers lurking below. Unlike the dwarfs, however, Republicans remain unscathed, content to bask in a filth too deep and dark for the rest of us to fathom. Even with the base I built next to the glowing tree – ensuring I'd have nearby resources – I was no match for Mitch McConnell's sea dragon leviathan guarding the Inactive Lava Zone. My journey was not one of greed and depravity, as with the GOP, but one of exploration and intrigue. Foolish was I for not heeding the warnings, my hubris leading my submarine further and further down.

As sprays of magma scorched my vessel the beast surged forward, closing in before I could even begin to reverse. I screamed as its own maw opened wide, closing around my hull and sinking razor-like teeth into the reinforced steel. In a moment of clarity – the briefest burst of hope – I clambered into my heat-resistant diving suit and ran to the back of the sub. To my relief the prawn suit was still locked in, undamaged. I jumped inside, released the locks, and grappling-hooked the fuck out of there, not daring to look back as I heard the leviathan rend my sub in two.

While I should be grateful that I yet live, shaken but unharmed, I can't deny the disappointment of second place. In my escape I realized the Lava Zone was not the bottom of Planet 4546B, as I had previously thought, else I would have seen those dastardly Republicans squabbling amongst themselves, cowering before their Orange Oppressor.

No, the Dead Zone is where they can be found, sinking deeper and deeper with each passing day.

But that is a place I dare not go.

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