Man Who Crushed it at Guitar Hero During High School Struggles to Stay Relevant

Another disappointing monthly Guitar Hero party has come and gone for Eric Matthews, the Oaktown High alumnus still rotating through the same three Led Zeppelin t-shirts every week. Consistently stunned by the low turnout, he cleans up the discarded 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew left by only himself as he vents his frustrations.

“People used to love coming to these parties. They were all, like, 'Matthews! When are you hosting another jam sesh, man?' Now I get unfriended on Facebook whenever I sent out invites.”

He sighs and looks down at his shoes – untied Etnies with the laces tucked under the tongue. “For a long time I thought people were bored with these games, but with such an expansive catalog of songs, I can't imagine that's the issue. I think I might just be too good and people don't want to play against someone who can get through most of 'Through the Fire and the Flames' on expert difficulty.”

Despite the series' low sales and massive layoffs from Publisher, Activision, Matthews hasn't lost hope for his beloved franchise.

“I know it's going to come back,” he beams. “The latest game, Guitar Hero Live, is tricky because they changed the buttons on the controller. There are six now instead of five.” He shows off the controller in question, one of the middle buttons already sticky and unreliable from use. “Once people hear how good I am at the new game, they'll be too impressed to stay home; they'll have to come see me in action.”

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