After a long weekend of pot, sweat, and tears, Jacob Rockrham has reason to celebrate: he's won his first Super Bowl in Madden 2K17. There's also cause to mourn, though, as some parts of the weekend didn't go as hoped. Rockrham turns down the stereo that's been looping Fort Minor's “Remember the Name” since Friday night to tell his tale.
“I was coming down from a real high from the game and ready to get high for real, if you know what I mean.” He quickly smirks and then frowns, at once amused and confused by his own statement. He shrugs and packs a bowl, lighting up before continuing.
“It had been a while since I was on Tinder. I think, like, two days, or something crazy like that, so I figured it was time to put myself back out there since the ladies probably missed me.” He coughs and then sits back, lost in thought. “After a few hours I matched someone, and I know from experience that you gotta let the girls talk first and get it out of their system, so I let her go on and on about her dog and her social work degree and whatever else she said.”
Rockrham stops for a moment, distracted by a loose thread on his tank top. “But, yeah, it had been a solid ten minutes or so and I finally had to be, like, 'So what are you wearing?,' and she was all, 'Seriously?,' and I was, like, 'Yeah'.”
“It was really awkward because I was asking really nicely and would have been fine with just one boob even though both is better, but she kept saying 'no'.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “I'm just bummed that someone could be so selfish. The whole thing kinda ruined my vibe after feeling so good about my big Madden win.”